Bad Romance

The Choker

My blog was founded on my horrible dating experiences and poor control of bodily functions, i.e. Adventures in Thailand, but this story is what started it all.

A few years ago I was on a dating site hoping to find someone outside of my circle. I came across a picture of a man with the following profile:

6’5’’ marine who loves dogs, music and has an adventurous side for food and the outdoors.

This guy sounded perfect! So we chatted over email for a week before deciding to meet in person at a nearby restaurant. This was my very first online date so I was extremely nervous!

I walked into the restaurant and spotted him at a table, he was just as dreamy in person as he was online. When I sat down he started complimenting me immediately and I thought I was in heaven!

A few minutes into the meal he saw my keys and noticed I had a mace key chain. I immediately apologized; I told him I’ve had it so long I forgot it was there, but he didn’t take any offense.  Instead, he was like a kid in a candy store, he grabbed it and tried to spray it…inside the restaurant. I begged him not to, that it wasn’t like perfume and it would hurt everyone inside but he refused to listen to my pleas.

After a few minutes he said, “too bad, it’s broken so it isn’t going to do you any good anyway”. I thought this guy is an idiot, how do you break mace?

The dinner went on and his stupidity grew, I thought a glass of wine (or two) would help numb the pain, but it only shortened my tolerance. Finally we were done eating and he walked me to my car. We were having a meaningless conversation about cartoons when he broke in with this:

Bad Date: Hey do you like red wine?

Me: Yes

(Internal Me: Duh! I had 2 glasses at dinner.)

Bad Date: Do you have any at your place?

Me: Yes

(Internal Me: Duh! Also discussed this during dinner.)

Bad Date: How about we go to your place and drink some.

(Internal Me: I guess the date went better for you because this is painful.)

Me: I can’t tonight I have an early morning, but maybe another time?

Bad Date: Oh ok, another time. So do you like to be choked?

(Internal Me: WTF? DID THIS JUST HAPPEN? Must be a joke, let’s calm down and wait for the punch line.)

Me: haha, no, I’m not into choking.

Bad Date: Not like this?

At which point he started choking me with his hands on either side of my neck, not so hard where I couldn’t breathe, but hard enough to scare the shit out of me.


Me: No thank you I don’t like this.

Bad Date: How about like this?

He shifts his hands to the front and back side of my neck and continues to choke.

Me: No, I’m still not into it.

(Internal Me: Maybe I can stab him with a pen? Why is this parking lot so dark, is anyone else around?)

Bad Date: Well how about this?

As he repositioned his hands again I stepped back and said “Thank you for a lovely evening but I really need to go, have a good night”.   I think he mentioned doing this again sometime, but I was already in a mid sprint to the car.

I’m thankful I survived, and it didn’t deter me from dating again. However, now I carry mace, a police baton and a stun gun……CHOKERS BEWARE!




  • Aunt Linda

    You are such a hoot. I wish you lived up this way. In fact, I would love it if you, Neil, and your sweet Mama were closer so we could have fun times. You and my kids would be great friends as well as cousins! I know you and Ryan have a lot in common and Amy is tons of fun. Even Amy and Ryan get along. Odd…like you and Neil! It is easy to get along with Amy. Ryan is a little weirder, but not as weird as the people you date. Ha! Thanks for sharing the Choker blog. I will probably have to read all the posts. I already giggled through the Thailand post some time ago!

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